I hate a few things about myself, but this is the biggest one. I can’t hate people i once loved, no matter what they did to me. I wish i could, i really should, but i don’t, and i can’t. I really don’t know why, it’s strange. You told me you never wanted to talk to me again, i still didn’t hate you, you got your friends to tell me off, still doidn’t hate you, you told me it was all my fault, you acused me of many things, you told me off, you told me i made you miserable. All these things, and i still don’t hate you. You text me last night, all fucked up, im still simpathetic, but in all honesty i’m an idiot for doing what i do. But fuck, what can i do, that’s me, i’m not the smartest…
Sorrow washes over me like a wave,
A deep cold pain tightens around my chest with every breath.
My mind numbs as the sadness escalades,
Pushing me towards tendances from my past.
I push away the thoughts with all that i have,
though the monsters in my head grow louder and louder.
They scream all the things i already know,
“Fat, ugly, Pathetic, Stupid, NOT GOOD ENOUGH”.
I beg for them to stop,
But they persist.
The battle with myself will never be over,
It will only go away long enough to sleep.
Even in my dreams i am haunted,
Chased by the demons i myself have created.
When i am distracted they voices become less noticable,
but they never leave my head completly.
And so i consider what they tell me,
I know it will be easier this way.
without another thought i jump,
And the monsters in my head are finally gone.
you lose all your breath,
as if someone has torn out your lungs,
your legs go weak,
and you fall to the ground.
You cant think straight because your mind is racing,
and then you cry till there are no tears left.
After all that you go numb.
the sorrow warms my heart as it makes my body numb. i crave that sorrow because the numbness makes me forget the pain, the heartache, the loss. i miss you still, looking past the warm, beautifully frightening numbness i still long for you with every breath i take.
i want to call you mine, forever and always, like i heard you so oh so many times, i beg for those days. if there is anyone watching over us, but in current time i’m in disbelife. please bring back those days, let me keep them in a box hidden away. so on my saddest day i can live in a moments we shared so i can find a reason to smile past all the pain im in for.
tell me my faults, though i’m sure i know them all. ill change each and every one. i live to make you happy, you are my other half, my reason to keep going. without you im incomplete.
before you i didnt know happieness, i could smile through my agony and laughh through my torment. but oon the worst of days i found only darkess. until you. now my darkest days the worst pain i feel is missing you, although that is never a treat. but i found beauty in the world once i met you. in a kiss i found joy, after a day inn your arms i found peace and once i love you was uttered i know i could go on until my life was no longer mine to take.
baby, why dont we talk anymore?
have you run out of words to say?
run out of “i love you’s”
run out of “you’re my world, ill never leave you”?
ill tell you, you can leave me without being physically gone.
your mind can leave before your body does,
thats when it hurts the most,
when i see you and kiss you and know its all empty actions,
no meaning behind them,
no feelings towards me.
soon there wont be kisses, or “i love you”s
there will be silence, empty silence
replaced with cold words and painful memories of what we had and who we were.
if you love me say it now,
tell me goodbe,
let me sit in my sorrows and bleed out,
bleed out all the cold pain and all the lies,
once im dead the lies will mean nothing,
they will be but a scar in this path of failings and suicide.
so i say, “i love you” one last time,
then i go, peacfully, quietly, slowly, and happily.
